I Moved Back Home and I’m Still Depressed and Can’t Sleep, and I’m Pretty Sure That’s Okay

Hey so this isn’t really gonna be funny but I can’t sleep and I felt like I needed to write. For those of you who care enough to read this and don’t know, I moved back home to Clearwater, Florida. If you’re really out of the loop I used to live in Chicago for two years and it got to the point where I just hated every day being up there and it just made me the worst version of myself. And like all the people I cared about were either very worried about me or directly being hurt by my inactions. Which doesn’t feel great right? When you’re not feeling well you don’t want the reaction of other people to be like “oh great now I gotta deal with the shit this idiot can’t do”

Also I should say it’s not Chicago’s fault I wasn’t happy, that would be silly. Though it was probably partly the people up there. If you meet a person on the street in Chicago there’s like a 8/10 chance they suck. Anyways I decided a few months ago that I needed to leave and so I did. Gotta be honest, still don’t feel to great, arguably worse. I think that’s fine though? There was a few days where I got back and I was just out of it completely, I didn’t want to do anything. Then I decided to just not let myself get down and be as productive as possible. That worked for about 4 days and then I just kinda tried distracting myself with sports and hanging out with friends and now I’m back here, in SadBoy Land.

I guess I thought if I just forced myself to be okay I would be, and that’s not how it works. I know I can’t just suddenly be better and happy again. I know everytime I talk to someone about it I feel at least a little better, and since y’all are asleep I wrote this. I don’t really have a point or a thesis with this one but I’ll try to conclude whatever you call this.

I tried to force myself to get over everything that was bothering me instead of laying in bed and whining about it. Which I think was wrong, perhaps an overcorrection. This stuff takes time and I’m really not sure how much time it’ll take and that’s okay. Maybe instead of crying in my car, I could talk to a doctor about how I feel. Or both because lately I just be crying. Feeling better is hard but if I don’t do anything about I’ll just get worse. Unfortunately I also have to want to do something which is the hardest part, I don’t want to do anything.

If it seems like I’m talking in circles here that’s kinda how my brain has been going lately and I apologize but it’s late and already wasn’t going to edit this. But like I said I know I need to do something and I have to want to do it, so I did this because I wanted to and needed to. And if nobody reads it it’ll still have been worth it for me.